6 Things I’d Do

I recently received the film Zombieland as a gift from my girlfriend and it inspired me write a few words here. First off, if you haven’t seen Zombieland, shame on you. I know you might say, “Zombies? Come on dude.” No, not just zombies you vag. It’s a damn good time, but you’ll have to watch for yourselves. To any Kingpin and Ghostbusters fans that haven’t seen it, what the fuck is wrong with you? This is a legit call out, and when you see it, you’ll know why.

So, as was I rustling around in bed not sleeping, I felt my girlfriend slightly twitch. It happened again and again, and I thought to myself, “Damn, I wonder what it would be like if we woke up and she was drooling and actually tried to fuckin eat me?” And it clicked in me head: When bloodthirsty, flesh-eating zombies come knockin’ on your door and most likely everyone you know is going to try and eat you, you better have a fuckin game plan. This is mine.

No. 1 – Get Some Weaponry

Luckily for me I have a vehicle with a car starter and ample space for storage. If you don’t have that, I suggest you get it. When being chased by zombies, having the car running and just hopping in is so much easier. One of my cousins has recently become a gun hobbyist, that is, he likes to collect a shit-ton of guns. I’ve been imploring him to get a nice shotgun and finally he has. Now, there is the off chance he may be a zombie already but the power tools and knives with this guy at all times make him near impossible to kill, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see a pile of zombies already stacked up at his doorstep. I have laid the groundwork for this part of my plan long ago. He knows I’m coming for that shotgun and all the ammo I can get my hands on.

No. 2 – Check On the Loved Ones

This is number 1 in all our hearts, but we’re no good to loved ones if we’re trying to rip their jugulars out of their throats. If we’re lucky, we may just get there in time to use our new weapons to save them. If not, we will have to mourn them on the move because there are probably a host zombies with bibs looking out the window at us like dessert.

No. 3 – Whiskey, Beers, and Water

Yep. The bare essentials. We can find food in almost every house and since zombies only want to eat us, it’s safe to assume that barging into peoples’ former homes and even food stores for food is guaranteed to be a good ole’ time and easy pickins’. Can never have enough whiskey, beer, and water. 

No. 4 – Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe

There is a difference between being a hero and being a dumbass. We all want to save the world (mostly), but the more people you travel with, the more dangerous it is. Keep a small contingent; it’s safer for everyone. I’m not saying I’m going to shoot survivors that need my help, and I won’t leave them out in the cold, but there is no room for weak links when battling zombies. In fact, a weaker group of survivors should be established called the “B-Team”, led by someone like Steve Zissou’s good friend Klaus, a guy that thinks he should be with “A-Team” but is thrilled to be leading the “B-Team”. It makes sense.

No. 5 – Travel

Honestly, it has never been cheaper to travel than when the world is run by zombies. My journeys across the good ole’ U.S. of A. have only taken me to California once, Ohio once (not really a big a deal though), and a slew of places up and down the East Coast. Time to get out and see the damn country. And luckily for me, if I don’t like the inhabitants I can probably just fuckin shoot ‘em.

No. 6 – Have Some Fun

Whiskey, Guns, and a plethora of shit to shoot. Who said zombies were a bad thing?