Best Friends For Life

Have you ever heard the term “best friend”?  When I was a kid, Joey Krenta was my best friend.  He lived down the street; we rode bikes after school; we found porno mags.  We had all the makings of being best friends.  Then we grew up and now can only look back on the days when we might have been best friends.

Since then, this term has become one of the most overused pieces of shit ever.  Every day I see people referring to multiple people, individually, as their best friend.  This simply doesn’t work unless it’s in a scenario like this: “Hey, see those 20 people over there?  They are my best friends.”  Collectively they can be in the top percentile of friends you have, but there is always one that is better than the rest.  The others may be good, even great friends, but they’re not the best.  Figure out a tier system or something.  Maybe you can categorize these people so they can be the best friend in a genre.  Maybe Catherine is the best friend for the category “people I’ve cried to about my daddy issues.”  Maybe Steve is #1 from “guys who have double teamed me.”  Here’s to thinking outside the box.

But now people are so desperate for peer acceptance, there’s a new term for best friend.  That’s right.  “Best” no longer supports Webster’s definition when paired with “friend”.  An over-embellished replacement term has been developed to make sure the audience knows just how close these assholes are.  Let me introduce you to “Best Friends For Life” & “Best Friends Forever,” a.k.a. BFFL & BFF.  What insecure 10-year-old cooked this shit up?  And how in God’s name did she (that’s right, She) convince every girl I’m friends with on Myspace & Facebook to have at least ten girls (or effeminate guys) to fill the role of BFFL (or BFF)? 

BFFL

Should be reserved for senior citizens who have been best friends with someone for over 50 years.  Sounds like they’ve earned that one.  But I’d bet my left nut that no self-respecting, AARP card-carrying senior citizen would ever use BFFL unless they were held at gunpoint. 

BFF

Does anyone out there really know what forever means?  Did the whole “long after you and your BFF are dead and gone” part seem to slip your mind?  I don’t have a clear picture of what forever is like, but I would bet my right nut that even if you did somehow manage to live that long, there’s no way someone would be your best friend for all of time.  Isn’t a lifetime long enough?

God these people suck.  And if you’re my BFFL, you think they suck too.  If not, we may need to rethink things.