Clothing Optional

Snuggled deep within the fertile crescent known as the Jersey Shore lies a place of imagination, inner peace and uncircumcised wangs.  Gunnison Beach (known to many as “The Nude Beach”) is located in Sandy Hook, New Jersey and was named after the Gunnison Battery, which was constructed in the 1800’s by the US government to protect New York Harbor.  The only thing it protects now is the general public from geriatric patients hopped up on Viagra making bad decisions on a regular basis.

A percentage of our population refer to them as “Naturalists,” others “Nudists” and to some “Creepy naked mother fuckers” (The last one is my personal favorite).  They gather every weekend to do whatever the fuck they usually do while being butt ass naked.  Some work on their tan lines; others do jumping jacks in place.  Should we judge them for their lifestyle? Absolutely not.

If you are from the Jersey Shore you’ve either heard of, tried to find, found or went to Gunnison Beach.  The first time I caught wind of this wonderful place was in 1993 while attending Oakhurst Country Day Camp (Seashore SUCKS!  Oakhurst RULES!  Got to represent for the O.G’s).  During the summer our camp group, known as the “Senior Boys,” would take day trips to Sandy Hook to change things up.  Our counselors at the time, Mr. Jason Oldham and Mr. Steve Solly, passed on stories of a magical land filled with boobies and unicorns.  At the age of 11, boobies and unicorns were enough to satisfy any young boy’s desires, and from here our plan was devised.

It was a hot day in the summer of ‘93.  The sun was scorching and high tide filled the air with the sweet aroma of sewage from the New York City Harbor.  It was the perfect setting for the perfect plan that turned boys into men and campers into legends.  It all began around lunch time at beach C when four boys stood in a circle and devised a plan to pull off the story of the century.
There we stood, young boys in the crossroads of life with only one thing on our minds: BOOBIES!  We set off with the determination of drunk college kids trying to find a late night rub and tug.  An hour and a half of walking finally lead us within sight of the promise land.  “Look, it’s a person!  I think it’s naked!” screams Ryan Wetter.  “Dude they are definitely naked,” I responded.

So our pace quickened.  We were overjoyed that we have finally reached this mecca of boobies and unicorns.  Finally!  As we got closer our hearts pounded out of our chests.  I was squinting into the sun trying to fight the glare in hopes of seeing my first real, naked boobie.  Instead, a 65 year old naked man strolled up with a full on jack hammer-like erection and proceeded to yell at us.

“What do you guys think you are doing here?  Where are your parents?  You can’t be here alone!”  I stood there frozen as if I was just got caught masturbating by my grandmother.  “Oh, we are all brothers.  Our parents adopted us and they like to hang out here.  They are over there waiting for us,” young Ryan explains.  Thank god he was on his toes or we would have ended up being sold on the black market.  We squirmed away and walked as fast as our little legs could carry us.
Staggering down the beach with our minds warped, there was only silence.  Our brains so confused we failed to notice any of our surroundings.  THEN IT HAPPENED!  We are all looking down at the sand but a godly force made us all lift our heads simultaneously.  THERE THEY WERE!!!  BOOBIES!!!  And I’m not talking about any boobies.  They were the size of small children.  She could have fed a small village in South West Indonesia with those puppies.  We all stopped in amazement, wondering if she just smuggled Mexicans across the border in those things.  As we stood there and witnessed these amazing creations from the almighty god above, a calmness came over our souls.  We were now men.
We headed back down the beach towards base camp and not much was said, but we all knew we were changed forever.  There was a little more swagger in our step, more charisma in our actions and more depth in our voices.  As we approached our camp group, everyone stared in amazement knowing the epic journey we had just completed.  The campers gathered around us sitting Indian style, waiting to hear of our journey.  A single question came up: “Did you guys see boobies?”  And all I could reply with is “Yes.. Yes we did.”  We lived out the rest of our time as campers in infamy only to walk and hear whispers of our legendary quest.  We started our journey that summer as boys.  When it was completed we were more then men.  We were legends!