Written By Melissa Dilger March 19, 2009 13 Comments

Derailed

The unspoken demands of the morning commute

It’s a strange age to be a commuter. There’s an unspoken bond we commuters have (NJ Transit in particular) that any train before 9am is silent. There is no real interaction til after 12 noon. Truth be told, we don’t recall what it was like being a civilian. To us, we’re on an everyday mission, and when you begin to throw our routine, you become a big red target about to be shot at.

We know when you’re not a regular. Your ignorance as a tourist heading to the big city is evident and to be honest, we don’t like you. There are certain rules we abide by, even if only in our subconscious:

Rule 1

Never sit in a three-seater if there are already two bodies in it.

Rule 2

Only in an emergency should you sit in a two-seater if someone else is already there.

Rule 3

Only if you are the first person in the seat are you allowed to eat food and turn up your iPod a little louder than normal.

Rule 4

If you are the secondary body in row and do not like the first person’s food or music, then get up and find a new seat since you voluntarily sat down in the first place.

Rule 5

Cell phone chatter of the highest decibel is unspeakable, undesirable, not classy and not welcome! I’d like to take a few moments and rant about this below.

Why at 8am do you feel the need to make a personal call? I once overheard a woman talking about the pros and cons of commuting on the train vs. the ferry. Lady, we all commute on this thing daily. Just because you don’t know that doesn’t mean we need a re-education. SHUT IT! I felt like she was hoping someone would sit across from her and debate the subject. She wanted anything to do so that she didn’t have to sit there in silence. She didn’t fit the average tourist-mold which amazed me, but she most certainly sounded the part. I actually heard her say on the phone, “This train is 15 minutes delayed and I don’t have headphones so I figured I’d talk your ear off instead (pause) Geeze this train is silent; I feel like an animal.” I mean, WHAT IS THAT?

Delicately Yours,
Me

Come back in a few days for part 2 of Derailed. Until then, enjoy this clip of what it’s like to ride on a train with Melissa.

Comments

A.Clemens

Mar 19 at 06:49 PM

Too cute…

...as she quietly taps away on her BlackBerry.

(the scramble below reads: SAusaGe)

G Kiley

Mar 19 at 06:54 PM

Dilg…
you forgot to mention that any guy in high heals is not allowed to doze off with an open bag of doritos in his hand

G’

Melissa

Mar 20 at 01:09 AM

haha.. i will begin to provide my own pix soon!

def check back for part two.. i know you all can relate!

Gregg

Mar 20 at 06:06 AM

Yes, yes you are correct Melissa. Most of my commutes consist of going to and from Rangers’ games. But the same rules apply. Last time, a girl was on her cell, telling her friend how drunk she got last night (she wasn’t even pretty, so I really didn’t care.) The whole god damn ride: babbling and then the idiots who seem to stand up and down 4 or 5 times during the ride for no apparent reason.

David Repking

Mar 20 at 11:08 AM

I would also like to add that you are not allowed to talk to your friend on the train, unless you are both standing at the doors. Since no one wants to stand, problem solved.

Sean Rigney

Mar 21 at 07:15 AM

Rule number 5 should be rule number one. And any and all children travelers and grandmothers should all be placed in their own car in the front or rear of the train.

Ryan Wetter

Mar 21 at 12:12 PM

Rule 6: if you see someone on the morning train you know but not well enough to have a light conversation (this includes anyone who you would have to approach with a line like “what have you been up to” or “it’s been a while”) leave them the fuck alone. the morning commute is not a time to reminisce or catch up; everyone whose on their way to work cherishes every private moment before arriving at Penn Station.

Melissa

Mar 21 at 05:57 PM

ryan.. that IS the golden rule!

J Luds

Mar 24 at 11:11 AM

Enjoyed the rules! I ride the Wall Street bus from Lincroft every morning and am one of the few females . . may I suggest Rule #7: I am not your commuter-wife. This has two parts: (1) Falling asleep on me makes everyone uncomfortable—especially me, when I have to tell you to get off of me. (2) Don’t sit with me because you are 300 lbs and don’t have enough room in your own seat. The big guys ALWAYS sits next to me in the hopes that as a woman, I will take up less room in the tiny 2-seater, than if he had sat with a man. You are gross. Don’t touch me. Seriously.

Caroline

Apr 06 at 09:37 AM

Also, if you are over the age of 50 and saddle up with a laptop every morning to play children’s video games that require headphones similiar to those a recording artist might wear—anticipate being heckled. Maybe not to your face, but certainly behind your back.
—Melissa im sure your able to conjure up the image of this unfortunate man

Melissa Dilger

Apr 14 at 10:40 AM

car, that i can.. i believe i might have documented said character once upon a time on my canon camera device..

Kat C

Apr 23 at 08:10 PM

Uugghhh. And I mean that to the fullest extent. I’m on NJ Transit every week and MAN do I wanna kick someone in the head at least every other day. Can we please also marvel at the fact that not once, not twice, but THREE times have I been sitting within a few seats of a man CLIPPING HIS NAILS??!!! I’m not sure who invented the key chain nail clipper, but I’d like to find them and have them put away…

Jake B

May 22 at 11:16 PM

cell phone use on a train is bad manners unless it is an emergency or the fat smelly person next to you keeps trying to ignite convorsation.

LIFE OF MY STORY