Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

A first date is about getting to know a person and seeing if there is more than just physical attraction.  Both men and women have heard the Do’s and Dont’s of the first date.  Some of these tips work; some fail miserably.  I’m here to give you ladies a little insight into the male psyche.

Some Stats

We want to respect you, we really do.  But you make it so damn difficult.  Many people have said that a man’s mouth gets him in trouble, but I think that may be truer for women.  With the wonderful technological advancement known as the text message, I’ve asked 25 gentlemen about their recent first dates and a whopping 83.7% reported receiving oral sex or more (the rest got hand jobs).  Starting with this startling statistic (say that 5 times fast) I will begin to explain why a woman’s mouth gets her in trouble.

The Lines

“I have never done this before,” “I don’t know if we should do this because I want you to respect me,” and “Punch me harder”.  These are phrases men have come to know and love over the years because they mean we’re getting laid.  My personal favorite is the old school combo of “I don’t usually do this” and “I want you to respect me and not think I’m a whore.”  And what do we say back to undress you as quickly as possible?  “Oh come on!  You know I respect you.  I don’t think you are a whore; I really like you a lot.  If you want to wait we can because I want it to be special.”  Bullshit!  At this point of the night, we are willing to convert to a different religion to “Git-r-done.”  So if you want our respect, walk away.  It’s better for us both.

What We’re Thinking

During a first date many things run through a man’s head: Is she the right one for me?  Would my friends like her?  Does she have an innie or an outie? (and I don’t mean belly buttons ladies and gentlemen)  We give you every chance to be a good girl, to have our respect and to possibly be the woman of our dreams.  Take advantage and do not abuse it.  If we ask you out on a date we like you and don’t care about getting laid, but if we want to meet you at a bar for drinks.. welcome to the booty call!  We are trying to get you drunk so we can rock out with our cocks out.

The Rules

Here are a few simple rules to keep you away from the old fuck and chuck I’ve grown so fond of: 1 - Don’t put out on the first date; nothing more then a kiss.  2 - If we do get down and dirty, avoid using any of the lines listed above because they make us think bad things about you.  3 - If we buy dinner, insist on buying drinks afterwards.  Even if it’s just a round or two it shows that you are not just in it for you and we respect that.  (And the last rule doesn’t just apply to the first date)  4 - No teeth.  If we wanted the skin ripped off our penises we’d rub them along a cheese grater.

With all the knowledge I have passed on above, I hope a few of you ladies find a decent man.  Remember: a man’s ego is huge and wants to believe you are still a virgin and that he is the only one good enough to have you.  We are fucked up people, what can I say.  And if you do end up performing oral sex or having sexual intercourse with us on the first date every man will ask himself the same question: How many other guys did she do this to on the first date?