Drunk Texting

“Are you fucking serious?”  Is the exact phrase I used when I woke up this morning.  I looked down at my phone all hung over as a mother fucker and realized I went on a drunk texting spree the night before.  I look at my inbox and have four text messages, all from different girls.  So I think to myself OK let me look in my outbox to see what kind of damage I did.  As I open my outbox I realize it’s empty.  “Let’s fucking go.”  I’ve out smarted myself again.  Last night, I must have erased my outbox to cover the tracks.  And here my journey begins.

The Texts

Text 1: “I hope you are joking.”
OK, I know I can get away with this one.  I can just pull the drunk card and tell her I was joking and lay low for a week or two.  Problem solved.

Text 2: “What the hell is a taco flavored kiss?”
Apparently before I went out last night I watched South Park and saw the Jennifer Lopez episode where she is a puppet on Cartman’s hand and toured the country with her hit single “Taco Flavored Kisses.”  Yes I know.  I am a sick fucking dude.  Solution - Go on You tube, find the clip, send it to her, problem solved.

Text 3: “Is that even physically possible?”
Now this one had me curious.  What could I have possibly said to this girl to prompt such a response?  Did I promise to shoot lightning bolts out of my cock while screaming “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” like I’m in the Lord of the Rings?  I don’t even want to know.  This one is bad but not the worse you can do.  Solution - Put a bulletin on Myspace or Facebook saying that my phone was lost at dinner last night and I need everyone’s number again.  Problem solved.

The fourth one is the worst and is why I am writing this story.  I look at the fourth and final text and it was from my boss.  A 27 year old female I’ve become close with.  “We are going to need to sit down in my office so we can have a chat. Please come as soon as possible.”  FUCK!

As my panic attack starts I realized my ass is about to get fired.  What could have I possibly said to this girl that she needs to “chat” with me as soon as possible?  I hope I didn’t tell her how I wanted to secretly give her an Angry Pirate (for those who don’t know about an Angry Pirate, it’s when you’re fucking a girl, you pull out and cum in her eye then you kick her in the shin and she goes “ARRRRRGGGHHHH” while hoping on one leg with one good eye, hence an Angry Pirate).  So I sit and contemplate my life for a few minutes remembering other times that have brought me to this point.

After about an hour of sitting and looking at myself in the mirror I decide I should call her and make up an excuse why I can’t come in for a few hours and ask her what’s up.  So I gave her a call.  “Hey Sara its Casey.  I just got your text but I’m playing basketball in downtown Long Beach and won’t be back for a few hours,”  I explain.  “Well as soon as you get back we need to sit down and have a talk about the text I received from you last night.”  At this point I am screaming “FUCK” in my head but I stay calm.  “Sure, no problem.  I’ll be in as soon as I get back.”

As soon as I inflate my balls back to super size I grab them and get into the car.  As I pull in she happens to be out front smoking a cigarette and watching me park.  All she says to me is “Go sit in my office and ill be in in a few minutes.”  I start to sweat as I sit down in front of her desk.  She sits in front of me after about a minute and says, “I wanted to talk about what you sent me last night at three in the morning.”  “FUUUUCCCCKKKK” I scream in my head yet again.  Is this bitch gonna taser me?  “I really like the specials you sent to me last night.  I really think we can get more people in here if we use them.  Can you write down a bunch of stuff for me and I’ll bring it to the owner and we can go from there?”  WOW ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?  While I was drunk and texting skanks all over the great state of California I came up with outstanding drink specials.

With a huge sigh of relief I made up a bunch of specials and walked out the door.  A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I drive home with a big smile on my face and thanked god I still had a job.  I get back to my place and go online.  My damage wasn’t done yet!  Not only did I drunk text, I also drunk Facebooked and drunk Myspaced as well.  You have to be fucking kidding me.  I go onto Facebook and see I wrote a comment on my x-girlfriend’s new boyfriend’s wall who I barely know.  When I click on his page I saw I wrote only one word: pussy.

Here we go again.