It Smells Like Somebody Didn’t Wash ‘They’ Ass

That “ass” smell.  If you’ve been in the company of overweight, out-of-shape Americans lately you are probably familiar with this stench.  My own description of the smell can be summed up with a combination of 3 odors: Athletes foot, sweat and diarrhea.

While this isn’t your typical coffee-and-conversation topic, we’ve all wondered why obese people smell the way they do.  In my original hypothesis, this “ass” smell was a result of perspiration trapped within the blubber crevices surrounding these massive individuals.  I guess my idea was that the sweat sandwiched between pockets of blubbery flesh for hours at a time causes a type of mildew to form, giving off a doodie-like smell.

Recently I’ve had an unquenchable fascination with this infamous odor because of a gentleman who sits next to me on the bus.  This man is extremely obese and has that “ass” smell. Interestingly enough, you would not think it from his attire and grooming.  He is well dressed and clean shaven, so you would assume that his outward appearance would imply good hygiene.  But the fact remains that this man smells like diapers.  Then the answer came to me unexpectedly.

One day, upon entering the men’s room at work, I crossed paths with an overweight coworker.  Upon his exit I entered into the lone stall and to my disgust, there was a brown film on the back side of the toilet lid.  In the back of my mind I wrote it off as this guy being a slob.  But then it hit me.  I remembered the well-groomed fat man on the bus and hypothesized the following conclusion: Heavy people have difficulty wiping their asses.

Due to the size of overweight individuals, the slightest bit of activity, like wiping a massive ass, could be a huge chore.  There’s a ton of ground to cover!  Due to exhaustion from the wiping process (which involves lifting, reaching and balance that thin people take for granted) they most likely get a case of the “Fuck its” and give up.  This in turn causes fecal buildup in the anal cavity.  Upon leaving the restroom the ass cheeks rub continuously back and forth causing sweat to form. The combination of sweat, fecal bacteria and lack of air leads to an athletes-foot-smell to ruminate.

While disgusted, I was also relieved to finally come up with an answer.  On my commute home that same day, I was sandwiched between a few African American gentlemen and an enormous individual on a crowded train.  One of the black men says out load, “Damn man, what the fuck is that smell? It’s giving me a headache.”  His friend announced in response, “It smells like someone didn’t wash they ass.”  I couldn’t help but to chuckle and say, “Actually, it’s a lot like that.”