Jack the Ant

He was like no other ant in the insect kingdom.  Jack weighed in at 300lbs 5 oz, had a mouth the size of a giant honeydew and eyes that mimicked the shape of a fat cumulus cloud.  Unlike other ants he was an independent that feed on Krispy Kreme donuts.  Jack spent his leisure time jumping rope and burying acorns over at the Mayor’s house.  The Mayor hated the idea but as long as the Mayor wasn’t around, Jack thought to himself, “What momma don’t know, won’t hurt her.”

All the ants in town—- and soon enough around the globe—- respected Jack for all he was and the principles he stood for.  The ants were waiting for evolution to kick in and boy did they get it with Jack.  They told Jack, “Hey, is there anything we could do for you?”  Now they knew Jack had a weakness.  That whenever someone or something would approach Jack with a question, he would immediately go blind for 2 full days and couldn’t speak Ant language.”

But lucky enough, Jack was very versatile.  Over 4 human months he had been alive, a group of seagulls imported frozen from Morocco were defrosted and taught Jack ‘Crow Meditation’.  Crow Meditation gave Jack the ability to speak his thoughts to other ants as long as he was swimming in grape juice, which helped when we was blind and speechless.

Jack’s one wish was to have a sundial built for flamingos.  Leaving all other ants confused, they asked, “But Jack, why do you care about the flamingos so much?  What have they done for us?”  Jack enthusiastically responded through his thoughts, “Well, I like the color of their feathers and it always makes me wanna dance in the rain when I see one.”  They said, “Ok Jack, you got it.”  So they built the sundial.  Flamingos from all over—- from the zoos of Kentucky to the wild jungles of Nigeria—- came.  One problem did arise.  From that day forward, it never rained again.  The world as we knew it was literally decaying.

The ants decided to declare war on the flamingos.  They threatened them and wouldn’t stop unless they handed over the sundial.  That didn’t budge the flamingos, who were a stubborn breed.  As both species lined up on enemy lines, Jack speed in between both.  Looking up at the sky and holding what looked to be a small feathered animal, Jack yelled: “I am going to eat this pigeon, you have left me no choice!”

Both the ants and the flamingos went numb.  They knew that according to the insect bible, one should never eat a pigeon in the line of battle.  The ants and flamingos were reluctant to believe and charged each other.  Before they could actually do battle, Jack gulped the helpless pigeon down his throat… and it was too late.  The flamingos and ants froze.  The sundial burst into a thousand pieces, striking a gravitational pull from the sun and moon that brought dirt to rise to levels of 10 feet above the earth’s surface.  As soon the mist of dirt cleared, all the flamingos turned into porcelain toilets and the ants became popcorn.  It then started to rain.

The rain brought tears to Jack’s eyes and he felt guilty, but got over it when the Mayor convinced him that did the right thing.  The Mayor explained there was a great demand for toilets and popcorn in southern parts of Russia and the island of Sri Lanka.  Jack became proud and strong after what he had done… and it didn’t stop there.  Jack was then appointed as a key contributor to the Peace Corps.  After 8 long months of hard work, which in Ant time is 1053 years, Jack now resides near a delta in Louisiana where he grows corn and flirts with sheep.


End