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New Jersey shopping malls are terrible representations of the people who hail from the Garden State. When I tell someone I’m from New Jersey, they confuse me with this guy. That asshole comes from New York or North Jersey (aka Other York). His kind slowly creeps down during the summer months from Brooklyn, Staten Island and Westchester. A few summers ago, I was walking through a local NJ mall with a friend when someone just like this guy was walking towards us.
As if it was a formula that every Benny follows, his girlfriend had the biggest fake tits and I just couldn’t help but stare. Not in admiration; rather, in awe that so much could fit beneath stretched skin. And then this guy caught me staring at his investment. “Like what you see?” asked the Benny.
Growing up, I was picked on for being chubby and socially awkward by guys like him. As I became older, I grew a set of balls and a rotten habit of making this New Yauwk, alpha-male type look foolish as much as possible. Turning around to face the couple, I looked straight into his eyes from about 30 feet, proclaimed “Yes, I’m enjoying the show,” stood there motionless as his face turned a deeper shade of orange and watched as his concubine whisked him away while urging him to not start a fight.
I thought my mission was accomplished. Hoping that jerk was somewhere near Macy’s, emasculated by my quick and unexpected response, I was shocked to hear, “Hey you.” There he was, standing not 5 feet behind me. Like a Silverback gorilla with a blowout, this dickhead must have spent the past ten minutes boiling and was about to burst his fist through my face. My friend braced himself for a fight and I could see Barbie trailing behind because of her heels. “Want to repeat what you just said?”
About half the people I meet for the first time mistake me for being gay. It’s believable if you stare at me long enough. My expressions are softer and my mannerisms during excitable times are questionable. There’s no doubt in my mind that I could easily pass as a gay man without surprising a single person. This thought came to mind exactly when it was needed the most. “I said I was enjoying the show… And I still am” were my exact words.
I was willing to bet he wanted to hear more before taking a swing. “So you think it’s right to stare at another man’s girl like that?” “Your girl?” I asked. “No sweetheart. I was looking at you.” He was shocked as I gave him the full-body glance, starting from his feet, pausing near his crotch and ending in his eyes. With his finger pointed in my face and a look that screamed “I’m the world’s largest homophobe,” Fred Flintstone backed off and went on his merry way.
Pulling the gay card worked wonderfully. I went home and was so excited about how I handled myself that I told my family this exact story. But when I was finished telling the story, expecting laughter, there was only silence until my mother spoke up, “It’s OK if you are, we’ll love you all the same.”
This story was suggested by Jake Byrne
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Comments
Mar 06 at 10:34 AM
laughing on my apartment balcony from beginning to end….really enjoyed the part when you disclosed to the guerrilla that u were staring at him.
Mar 06 at 10:42 AM
n not the barbie
Mar 06 at 10:42 AM
You.. WOW.. lets go out in public again soon so i can watch from a corner with popcorn.. (ooh and my camera!)
Mar 06 at 12:01 PM
fuckin unreal dude well done ha
Mar 06 at 12:14 PM
this really had me laughing out loud..good story ry!! =)
Mar 06 at 01:35 PM
This is hilarious! I can’t believe you had the quick thinking AND the balls to say that.
You ever watch Balls of Steel? This reminds me of the Bunny Boiler episodes.
Mar 06 at 04:39 PM
Hahahahhaha…I love this story!!!! Only u would Ryan..only u!
Mar 06 at 07:03 PM
Dude you’re straight??
Mar 06 at 08:00 PM
HAHA ... Oh thank you, I deserved that.
Mar 07 at 05:37 AM
Quick thinking, I’m not that clever. I would have just punched him in the face, but… I’m also from Staten Island originally. I’m proud that you continue to bridge the gap between gay and straight as well. I remember when you goosed one of our math teachers in high school who was particularly homophobic. That may have been one of my funniest memories from high school.
Mar 07 at 09:45 AM
Ryan this is why we are friends.
Mar 13 at 01:23 PM
Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but you are the only guy I know to speak the phrase, “Pulling the gay card worked wonderfully” and to be quite honest—I love it!
Apr 01 at 09:15 PM
http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c164/yehuknoitzme1/?action=view¤t=n604563992_1820477_6290.jpg
Apr 02 at 06:58 PM
OH MY GOD. I honestly am still giggling to myself about this. Truly, that made my day…and made me slightly sad I haven’t talked to or seen you in like a decade.
Apr 06 at 01:53 PM
great story, i picture u wearing a raspberry beret at the time
May 14 at 05:11 AM
This is hysterical
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Sep 28 at 02:42 AM
Its really nice to go come out of the closet. But the hardest part is that when everybody is thinking that you are but you know that they are wrong. That is the worst part. But the nicest thing is whatever you are your family will still love you back.
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