Oatmeal and Dick Fingers

I love real oatmeal. It’s a tasty treat. But the theoatmeal.com? He’s a bad man. The Oatmeal is one of the biggest storytellers on the planet. Now that he’s all grown up, no one will ever believe that I should’ve been the Oatmeal. Here’s how that oat-fucker did me dirty.

My Idea

I told my Yaya (Greek for granny) back in the eighties all about it! That I wanted to tell stories and use my ridiculous drawing talents to make them into comics on the internet. There’s even a home video of it! She knew I wanted to be the Oatmeal. I’m not sure how he did it, but Matt Inman, the Oatmeal’s Clark Kent, found a way to turn my grandmother. And for what? She spilled the beans and for some spending money and new fur coat. Jesus, Yaya!

My Drawings

My grammar school art teacher told me that I was going to be the Burt Reynolds of illustrating. I told her I just wanted to be the Oatmeal. Like Matt Inman, I like grizzly bears in tight spots. And flying dinosaurs? I was big on flying dinosaurs. But one day I came down with a case of dick fingers, leaving me at a permanent disadvantage. I still sketch, but it’s hard when you have dicks for fingers.

My Flaws

Because of my dick fingers, I make a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. Going back to correct them is time consuming because pressing down with rubbery dick fingers often hits a few keys at once. And what does the Oatmeal do? He pokes fun at my disability in a few of his comics. Then he laughs at me with his elite group of Twitter friends.

My Revenge

I was going to buy the domain for www.creamofwheat.com and become the Oatmeal’s Lex Luthor, but it’s already taken. And then I got to thinking… Lex Luthor doesn’t have superpowers, and in this game, superpowers only come with good link-baiting strategies and mass appeal. I can barely convince people to check out the Life Of My Story fan page & Twitter. 

My Show

Once I realized I couldn’t compete online, I was going to be on ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’. Adults dancing in diapers… masturbating bums! The show is based on my life. Casting call for Dennis Reynolds and it was my day to shine. Then the fucking Oatmeal stepped in. You see, the Oatmeal is a diabolical oat-fucker. So he and Danny Devito got to talking and were like, “Fuck him. We’re moving forward without Wetter.” And just to save a few bucks too because Oatmeal was willing to work in exchange for retweets and upvotes.

So go ahead, Oatmeal. Tell your funny stories using only the most relevant phrases and eye-popping illustrations. Play the parts that were destined to be mine. I’ll just be right here, typing away on these dick fingers with a less-than-perfect grasp on the English language all the while cursing my grandmother and Danny Devito for their betrayal.

Check out theOatmeal.com to see Matt’s work; it’s pretty neat.