Teenage Mutant Ninja Ellynn

I was still playing with action figures at age 12.  Whether this handicap was to blame for girls not liking me or I played with toys because girls didn’t pay attention to me,  the fact remains that I was still the only fifth grader decorating his bedroom with rubber wrestling figures.  There was one woman, however, who loved me in spite of this shortcoming.  Mom, also known as Ellynn, endorsed my slow development by purchasing a new action figure every week to keep me happy.  Until one day… Ellynn became more bad-ass than Randy Savage when she violently attacked a man at Toys “R” Us.

I was hanging out with Wes O’Donnell, who is my younger cousin by 5 years.  The easiest way for a 7 year old and a 12 year old to connect was through action figures and building forts.  We were setting up elaborate backdrops for our X-Men village when a toy commercial came on.  “Please mom, please.  I promise this will be the last figure I’ll ever want.”  Which was followed by, “If you buy it for me, I’ll never put my sister in the Sharpshooter ever again!”  Ellynn was kind of a pushover and gave in.  Off to Toys “R” Us we went.

We made our way though the aisles.  One toy became two and so on.  I had half a cart full of special addition Spidermen and Nerf accessories when out of nowhere… Lauren showed up.  “Hi Miss Ellynn.”  Lauren was a 5 year old who attended my Grandfather’s private school.  We all knew her well; she was the bad kid that you couldn’t help but love.  Where there was trouble, there was Lauren.  But at the end of the day, she was charming and had a way about her that made fans out of foes.  “Well hello Lauren, who are you here with?” my mother asked.  “My mom and my Stepdad Chuck.  Come meet them,” Lauren said as she dragged my mother’s hand.  Wes and I tagged along reluctantly.

“This is my mom and this is Chuck.”  My mother shook both hands but her eyes were fixated on Chuck.  “I think I know you from somewhere,” mom said.  Chuck looked like your stereotypical off-duty government employee: Tucked-in long-sleeve shirt of some college football team, crew cut, sunglasses indoors and a phone clip on his belt.  “I’m not sure; I don’t think we’ve met,” answered Chuck.  Needless to say, they couldn’t figure it out.  After a few pointless inquiries into how everybody was doing and an inquisition about Lauren’s academic performance, we turned around, said our goodbyes and headed back to the action figures.

10 minutes had passed and Ellynn was done with my insatiable appetite for action figures.  She wanted to leave and forcefully steered the cart from the aisles to the cashiers.  I remember looking down each aisle as we passed by.  One aisle was completely empty for a moment… until Lauren appeared in the distance.  She was running in our direction with a smile and her step-dad Chuck was chasing her.  From the look on her face, it was a game of tag.  But it was obvious that Chuck wasn’t playing tag.  It was like a slow motion scene in an action movie when the innocent person doesn’t see it coming; only the hero sees danger and can’t make it in time.  Chuck caught up with Lauren… picked her up… and threw her like a dodgeball into a display of board games, knocking off her shoes as if it was a car crash.

Lauren stood up surprised, hoping it was still a game but before she had the chance, Chuck picked her up again… and threw her across the aisle into the another display.  This 40-something year old man tossed this 5 year old like a hammer thrower.  I was frozen.  Never in my life had I seen domestic abuse, let alone abuse in a public place.  That was when Ellynn dropped her purse.

All 100 pounds of my cheerful, innocent, blonde-Greek mother charged towards the situation.  She ran as if her high-heels were track shoes.  Before Chuck had the chance to reach Lauren for a third time, my mother had arrived.  It must have been easy to climb on Chuck’s back because my mom quickly had her legs wrapped around his chest and her hands smacking the shit out of his already reddened face.  This man was swatting her as if she was a pesky bat but she wasn’t letting go.  Not even 10 minutes ago, my mother was having a civil conversation with this man.  Now, she was ripping his face apart like a wild Chimp.  It took three security guards and an off-duty cop to remove my mother from this man.

When the dust settled, he sat down confused as he spit blood and wiped his face.  Lauren’s mother comforted him as if he was the victim.  As my mother explained to the off-duty policeman what had happened, Chuck threw her the infamous “Crazy bitch” line under his breath.  This ignited her once again as she lunged towards him like a caged animal, spat directly in his face and swore this wasn’t over.

Shortly after the incident, child services was called and eventually Lauren’s mom left her abusive husband.  My mother soon remembered where she knew Chuck and made an appointment at a hotel spa.  Chuck was a security guard at the hotel and as she walked in, she recalls that his face went white.  A beaten man; divorced, under the radar of law enforcement and beaten up by Teenage Mutant Ninja Ellynn... my most beloved, real-life action hero.