The Big Bust

I have done some evil things in my life. However, up until this weekend I had not so much as a traffic ticket on my record. There are many opportunities to get arrested in college: public urination, open container, non-voluntary Bukkake, etc. However, my first run in with the 5-0 occurred last Friday night. What I got arrested for was possession of a stolen Vitamin Water that I did not steal.

I would much rather have been arrested for performing one of the other violations listed above, but this was not the case. As a reader, you must understand that this is a high profile bust for campus police, who normally spend their time circle jerking in the holding cells. At the time, I was in an herbally altered state, so this miserable experience was increasingly entertaining. As I was being interviewed by the arresting officer, I noticed more and more that he sounded like Agent Smith from the Matrix.

In fact, he looked almost identical to Agent Smith. I remember choking on Matrix quotes that I was preparing in my head. This was getting harder as time passed. After I was printed, got my mugshot, and was processed, Agent Smith told me to get home safe. I replied, “Sure” followed by “...Mizzduranderson!”