The Gripes of Wrath

Most of you who know me would probably agree that I’m a fairly easy going person.  Some might even say too easy going.  If we haven’t met, someone in our 6 degrees can tell you: it takes an awful lot to get under my skin.  However, i am human.  Being as such, I have come to learn over the span of my 26+ a few things that absolutely infuriate me.  Here is a small sample:

1.  Dress Codes.  Seriously?  What are the purposes of these?  Who gives a fuck what i am wearing?  So far as I can tell, people are happier the more comfortable they feel.  “You can’t come in wearing a just white t-shirt, man!”  Really?  As if my plain t-shirt is somehow undermining my ability to get shit-housed in your bar.

2.  Overreacting Orderers.  “I said NONFAT latte you moron.  And I only wanted 2 sugars, this tastes like 3 to me!” My God, remove the stick out of your ass, then use it to fuck yourself.  And really, do you honestly think the person behind the counter making minimum wage (A)  Gives a shit or (B)  Won’t spit in your next one?

3.  Belittlers.  People who put others down, for no other reason than to make themselves feel good (only exception being if you’re inebriated).  Ugghhh, you fucking people make me sick.  You suck, and no one likes you.  We only put up with you out of fear you’re going to kill yourself.  Try giving compliments.  It feels just as good.

4.  Over-Protesters.  “What do you mean you need to see my driver’s license?  Why is it mandatory for me to put down my phone number?  I wanna speak with a manager!”  Wait, when I asked for your information, did you somehow, instead, hear, “Can I fuck you daughter?”  I’m just doing my job. Get a grip; NO ONE IS OUT TO GET YOU!

5.  Left Lane Idlers.  Look, it’s simple.  When driving on a 4 lane highway speed limits are as follows: Left Lane = 80, Next Over = 70, Next Over = 60, etc.  And if you’re driving slower than the person behind you is, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!!

6.  Do Nothing Explainers.  “Hey Sean, I just went into the locker room and noticed there were no men’s towels.  Then, I went up front and saw some clean ones folded and ready.  I know its not your job, but would you mind putting them back there for me?”  Sure guy, no problem.  Just so you know, in the amount of time it took you to explain all of this to me, you could have put them there yourself.  But I understand, you’re a DO NOTHING EXPLAINER who really enjoys pointing things out.  Enjoy being lazy.

7.  Tim Tebow’s.  Listen, I get it.  You like the way you live.  Your religion/lifestyle/ideals, whatever… it works for you.  In no way does that give you the right to try to enforce your habits on to me.  Leave the preaching in church.  You don’t see me yelling at every overweight person I see, trying to get them to exercise more.

8. Diffwrongs.  These are people who mistakenly equate the meaning of the word “different” with the meaning of the word “wrong.”  Sue likes to have sex with other Sues.  Amanda does not.  Jim’s typical Saturday is spent partying into the wee-hours of the night, desperately seeking one night stands in-between lines of coke in the men’s room.  Joe likes to stay home and masturbate to Internet porn while baking cookies all weekend.  No one is right.  No one is wrong.  Everyone is just different.