This Guy

We’ve all told lies.  Most of the time it’s to get out of a sticky situation.  Many times when people lie, we call them on it.  Typical responses include, “You’re full of shit,” “Get the fuck out of here” or my favorite: The rolling of the eyes as the individual receiving the lie shakes his head and says “This guy!”

So there’s this guy at work.  It’s something about the appearance and status of this particular person that cries out when comparing him to his fables.  I’m all about fun, and love to laugh, so when I know he’s about to spit fiction, I weigh my options. I could:

1. Tell this guy he’s full of shit, which if you’ve ever done so to a pathological liar, the result is Incredible Hulk-like rage directed towards you.
2. Smile and shake my head while exclaiming, “Dude, no way!” (with a tone that sounds surprised rather than doubtful).

I always go with option 2.  Why, you may wonder, would I allow myself to tolerate such blatant absurdity?  The answer is simple: It leads to more outrageous fairy tales.  It’s as if the pathological liar tests the waters to see how far you’ll let him swim.  Meet my coworker, Jake.

At his current position, Jake makes roughly 45k per year.  He’s 6’2” (yet he claims to be 6’8”) and weighs 420ish pounds.  This guy is a wholly mammoth.  From the look of his plaque-coated snaggle-tooth it appears he hasn’t seen a dentist in a decade.  He has the body shape of Grimace (Picture of Grimace) and is a proud member of the dirty ass club (Click here to learn about the dirty ass club).

One day, Jake made the following claim: “Did you know that I have two fiances?”  Comparing his appearance, hygiene and social skills to this statement, I knew something was off.  This guy.. was completely full of shit.  He was basically sharing one of his masturbation fantasies that in his mind is reality.  I decided to play the game and exercise option 2.  Boy did he take that ball and run.

Jake owns a 1.4 million dollar house.  He’s acquired a custom auto shop and has recently purchased a Texas Steakhouse.  Jake has a beach house in Long Beach Island, antique guns appraised at $50,000, 3 race cars, a snowmobile, a quad motorcycle, two wave runners, a $20,000 Ninja sport bike, a yacht, is a member of the county fire rescue squad, was a 9-11 hero, a former garbage man, an amateur race car driver, hunts every weekend (always shooting himself a 10 pointer), has been intimate with thousands of women and has accomplished all of this while working full time as a glorified secretary for a public utilities company. 

He is a liar, but it’s important for our well being that we all have a “Jake” in our lives.  It’s nice to know that when I’m having a bad day, there is always Jake, willing and ready to disclose intimate details of his imaginary life to help you appreciate your own sanity.  Whenever I’m having a rough day, I look at Jake, recount some of his stories and chuckle as I think to myself, “This guy.”