Wrestling Camp

Every summer the Ocean Township Wrestling program sends their team to The College of New Jersey’s wrestling camp. Now, given TCNJ’s reputation as a Div. III power house you’d think that this would be a week of competition that one may not look forward to… especially incoming freshmen.  Well truth be told, I couldn’t wait to go.  It was going to be my first time away from home & away from my neurotic mother… SSHHHHHEEEET. Where do I sign?  Now I’ve heard stories about what goes on at sleep away camps, specifically the hazing of the underclassmen.  This year, however, I had a few tricks up my sleeve.

The day before I left, my mother took me food shopping.  I was very excited for this because I got to pick food and drinks for my new apartment (well, the dorm I would live in for four days).  I got plenty of granola bars, turkey, popcorn, ice tea, cereal, etc.  I wanted every one to know on day one that my room was going to have the best snacks on the floor.  Unfortunately, they did and by the third morning I was almost cleaned out.  Now of course I ranted and raved to the upperclassmen that were walking into my room and taking my food, but they heard none of it.  Keep in mind I weighed a staggering 100lbs my freshman year, so there was no shot on God’s green earth that I could physically attempt to do any damage to these 180lb plus upperclassmen that kept fucking with my shit.  Finally with a little thought I found a way to fuck with their “shit”.

My roommate Pete and I took a little stroll to the student center and found the bookstore.  I walked down an aisle or two before finding what I was looking for.  I began glancing at a shelf filled with different types of medications and finally there it was… Ex-Lax… in chocolate form.  Granted the upperclassmen were dumb as rocks, but I didn’t want to spoil the prank by leaving the imprinted Ex-lax writing on the chocolate.  Therefore, I bought a Hershey Bar to go along with it.

I got back to my room and was like a pig in shit putting this diarrhea concoction together.  I took the whole package of Ex-Lax, the Hershey’s bar and mixed the two in a small zip lock bag.  It should be noted that this bag of chocolate looked like one that a pedophile would attempt to give some young boy from the passenger side window of his car while saying, “Hey kid, want some candy?”  Fortunately, if this ever happened, the young boy would be smart enough to tell the guy to fuck off; this wasn’t the case for my Neanderthal upperclassmen.
Normally after dinner we’d hang out in the room with the door shut; this time it was wide open as if we were expecting the Swedish Bikini Team to walk in (a direct quote from Jimmy Vaccaro).  Although they didn’t show, Cro-Magnon man and his accomplice did.  I think it would do some justice to describe these two clowns, just to paint a better picture. 

First we have Joe.  Joe was the kid who had facial hair at his communion and back acne to compliment it.  His body looked like a bobble head doll.  Yes, he had a big head.  Joe was one of the toughest guys on the team and pretty much nobody fucked with him. 

Then there was Vin, his bitch.  Joe did whatever he wanted to Vin.  Played video games with him, ate dinner with him, got picked on by Joe if we weren’t around, and for all we knew let Joe go balls deep in his shit box behind closed doors. Vin was always out to impress Joe and tonight would be no exception.
Now, back to the feeding.  Vin and Joe walked into our room and went right for the fridge; right where the bag of “shit” was waiting for them.  Vin snatched it up and said “Whose chocolate?”  I said, “It’s mine, I just bought it today; it’s all I have left.” Of course I said this while looking the other way because I had a huge shit-eating-grin and could barely keep a straight face. 

As he was eating the treat, he commented on how good it was.  At this point Joe snatched it from Vin and was about to finish it off when I stopped him.
Me:  NOOOO, don’t eat that!

Joe:  Why?

Me:  There’s Ex-Lax in it!

By this point, Vin had a look on his face like somebody shit in his Easter basket.

Joe:  (Pointing at Vin) HAHAHA, you’re fucked!

I wasn’t so excited. I pussed out and saved Joe, exposing my master plan. They weren’t supposed to find out until they were on the mats sometime the next morning.

Now you would think I slept with a smile because of my master plan.  WRONG.  I had Vin sitting stark naked, wrapped in my blanket trying to shit on my bed.  By the time he was done flossing his ass with my sheet it looked like the white rag you check car oil with.  Yes, I slept on the floor that night, and Vin never shit.  Well, not until the first round of the tournament just the next day.  He has fending off a double leg and mid sprawl when he sharted.  Two seconds later he was reenacting the toilet seen from “Dumb and Dumber”.  Needless to say he spent the morning on the toilet and out of competition.