Yaya’s Bathroom

Urban Dictionary dot com defines a hemorrhoid as “an irate little man that pops out of your butt hole and screams at you to stop grunting and wiping your ass so hard.”  It’s unlikely that a small child would develop a hemorrhoid, unless you’ve frequented Yaya’s bathroom.

Yaya is my Greek grandmother.  Her advice was either spot-on or far-off.  “Don’t pee in the woods” was good advice considering my instances of poison ivy and tick bites from urinating outdoors.  “Don’t play with your penis because it will fall off,” however, was poor advice and detrimental to my sexual maturation.

From an early age, I grew fond of Yaya’s bathroom.  It was fully carpeted with a seat-cushion and padding that protected your lower back from the cold side of the toilet lid.  There was a space heater close to the bowl and chocolate candies within reach.  Although against Kosher Law (I’m not Jewish but some of their dietary restrictions seem to make sense), I would eat the chocolate candies while relieving myself.  I used to think that poop was chocolate brown because the candies I ate immediately passed through, as if my digestive system worked like an efficient assembly-line at Wonka’s Factory.

Yaya’s bathroom was more comfortable than the wooden furniture she adorned her house with (in spite of my grandfather’s chronic arthritis, she decorated with hard, uncomfortable furniture).  Sometimes, I’d slide off the bowl pants-down and nap on the carpet.  Other times, I’d bring my He-Man and Ninja Turtle action figures and set up worlds of imaginary play that lasted hours.  “Ry, are you still in there?”  I’m in the middle of something Yaya.  April O’Neil is about to give a stormtropper the reach-around while Master Splinter and Evil-Lyn play with their plastic private-parts. 

“Well Mrs. Wetter, it appears your son has developed a Hemorrhoid.”  The doctor slowly withdraws his finger from my anus.  “But he’s 4 years old,” my mother responded.  “Although uncommon, Hemorrhoids develop in children who spend too much time on the potty.  Do you spend too much time on the potty son?”  Fuck yes I do, and you would too if your Yaya had a bathroom like mine.