LIFE OF MY STORY

I brought in homemade cakes to work that a friend made. Most had the same response: I would but I’m trying to eat well. Yeah, right. You’re all like me. You pretend that eating well is going to just happen and your whole life, and attitude towards food, is going to change. Anyway… then there was Burt. Burt is an older gentleman and from the look of his physique, he stopped caring along time ago about his dick-lines and wash-board abs. “Hey Burt, how about some cake?” I asked. “You know what, leave it on my desk, I’m sure someone will eat it,” Burt responded. Sure Burt, someone will eat it.

I try to stay focused on what I need to get done while in the gym locker room. Open the bag, change, lock up, tinkle, wash hands and leave… all the while keeping my gaze focused on the tasks at hand. Today was the exception. By pure chance, I happened to look left and there was a naked dick staring right at me. I couldn’t help but look because it was the first thing I could see given my line of sight. This guy was 5 feet away, facing me completely naked while doing the butt towel-floss. When our eyes met, he tried to give me the look like “Why you lookin’ at my naked dick, man?” Well sir, it was unintentional, but next time avoid the situation by facing your naked penis forward.

The locker room at my gym has a speedy hand dryer that feels fantastic on the undercarriage. If it’s cold outside and you just got there, it’s a great way to begin a workout. IT IS NOT FOR PROLONGED USAGE ON THE GOODS. Yesterday, a man who looked like a cross between Dave Chapelle and Snoop Dog spent at least 10 minutes drying his asshole and balls. The entire locker room smelt of warm cabbage, b.o. and feces. This is not cool for the rest of us. I’m thinking of taking a shit in his locker.

My roommate’s protein-heavy diet is very apparent in his stool. I’m not sure what it is about Whey, but it turns his shit into cement. Our toilet bowl is suffering because of this and I’m embarrassed to bring women back to my place. Sure, I could scrub it out. But I wasn’t kidding about the cement component of his stool. We’re the only apartment that needs a mini chisel to properly clean the bathroom.

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My coworker is a fucking dick who reminds me of edgar from Men In Black. He’s not my boss at all. I have a pretty sweet gig and he happens to be doing similar stuff. He, however, sucks. This snow storm gave us the day off. I prepared a head of time by taking some of my work home with me. I get an email from this tool-bag informing me of the illegality of taking work stuff home and I quote, “Were you even thinking when you took it upon yourself to make that decision?” was what he said. I don’t know, fuck-nuts, but I sure got a lot of work done while you were probably drinking sugar-water in your mother’s basement all day.

A couple weeks ago I was at my girlfriend’s house laying in bed and for some unknown reason, watching a Lifetime Original movie. After an hour or so of silence I suggested we have sex, and she agreed. At the end of this increasingly boring ordeal, I decided to spice things up a bit with a “money shot”. Bad idea. She got angry and cleaned herself up. The moment she layed back down, a character in the movie that was still on said, “I can’t stand Law Students, they’re always so literal, always coming in your face with stuff.”

I’ve been watching quite a bit lately, but I have to stop and remind myself that EVERY SINGLE PERSON on that show is a gold-digging whore. They are so good at giving those people human character traits that I have to stop and remind myself from time-to-time. Also, Patty has fat arms.

There’s a trainer at my gym with big boobies and a staring problem. She’s always looking at me, but not in a provocative way. She looks at me suspiciously as if I did something wrong that only she knows. A few days ago, I was headed to the mats when I spotted her leaning over with her boobies dangling like dog ears. She looked up just as I was noticing and caught me. I then proceeded to stare directly in her eyes to prove to her that I wasn’t going to look at the boobies again. And now the staring has gotten worse. She finally caught me, confirming whatever bullshit suspicion she had in the first place.