LIFE OF MY STORY

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I’m not afraid of clowns; they just happen to be a reoccurring theme in my nightmares. There was a clown at a work function the other day. If my interactions with Antsy the Clown were just a dream, it would read something like this: So there I was in a moonbounce that was right in the middle of a car dealership. There was a clown who asked me to dance. We bounced around like little children sharing their first crush. But as I started to leave, the clown says, “Stay with me, Ryan… forever.”

When I was young, I used to pick on the fat kid.  His name was Darrel.  I saw Darrel last night at a bar in Red Bank (NJ).  He’s in great shape and is modeling.  I, on the other hand, haven’t been able to see my penis in four years.

I ordered a sub from a sandwich shop.  The guy behind the counter making the sandwich was not wearing gloves.  As he put on the seasonings and spices, I could see the lettuce between his fingernails.  His hairy knuckles glided through the onions.  When he was all done with the sandwich, I didn’t say anything.  I just took the sandwich with me.  When I got home, I gave it to my brother, who won a bet and made me go out and get him a sub in the first place.  Bon appetite.

In the small town I’m from in Washington State, there’s been a recent string of virginity snatchings.  WelI… I confess.  It’s me!  I’ve been stealing virginity(s) left and right and soon, every young female in my town will be a little more experienced then they were prior to my thievery.  Long live vagina!  Note: I’m a freshman in college and this vagina business has been given to me with consent.  No vagina has been under the age of 17, which I believe is the legal age of consent in Washington State.  But if I’m wrong, pretend I said 18.

I’ve been obsessed with Nia Long (Ice Cube’s girl from the movie ‘Friday’) for the longest time now.  If I there was one present you could give me for Christmas, it would be a night with Nia Long in a bathtub.  A bathtub full of pasta.  We would be dressed in caveman bathing suits with the lights dimmed low.  We would have parrots hanging around on the tile floor making silly jokes while we burn incense.  Then we’d gaze into each other’s eyes while sipping orange Capri Sun and eating slices of cold pepperoni pizza fresh out of the pizza box that was stored in the fridge from the night before.  When things really get hot, we’d read each other’s palms and then play ‘first one to laugh while being tickled loses’ till we passed out.  Oh… please Santa, drop Nia Long down my chimney.

It’s my birthday and although I couldn’t care less, my grandparents love it and took me to brunch.  As my grandfather was eating his tropical waffle at the Turning Point in Long Branch, he froze while staring at something behind me.  “Don’t turn around just yet,” he said to me and my grandmother, “but there is a woman midget standing right behind you.  She’s smaller than your cousin Ryleigh.”  “Well of course she is,” my grandmother continued, “Ryleigh is a tall 11 year old.”  It’s funny how older people can say anything offensive and you can chalk it off as entertaining.

I work for a Greek owned restaurant where my boss Chester (made-up name) sucks goat dick.  Yesterday, I asked a customer if they wanted extra mayo because the fat-ass inhaled her first side before making a dent in her Hoagie.  I asked the kitchen for a side of mayo and Chester happened to overhear and said, “Use this”.  He hands me a metal container that we normally put the entire days-worth-of mayo in.  Well actually it was full of the entire day’s worth of mayo.  Normally I’d find this amusing but he actually made me bring her the entire metal container, knowing the fat woman would lose her shit.  After she threw one of those special temper tantrums as if making fun of obesity is a hate crime, Chester came over to publicly embarrass me.  “Now Steve, do you think this was a kind joke to play on one of our best customers?”  Fuck you Chester.

I was walking the beach two days ago with my dogs.  As we made our way down the coast, I wondered when my life was going to be marvelous again.  Being a tad superstitious, I came up with one of those strange situations in my head and said to myself, “If I can toss this rock just past the whitewater, then everything was going to be OK starting tomorrow morning.”  I decided to throw the brick-shaped rock like a hook shot but didn’t extend my arm long enough.  I smashed the rock directly into my skull and had to lay on the cold beach for 10 minutes until the nausea and confusion subsided.