LIFE OF MY STORY

I was at a local tavern in a gay-friendly town. The bar is owned by a Lesbian couple, so I thought nothing strange of the two women sitting next to a portly, oval-shaped butch. My legs were tired and I wanted to lean on her chair. I leaned in, brought my lips close to her ear and in my female-friendly voice, I asked, “Would it be OK if I leaned on your chair?” She didn’t respond. Rather, she shook her head in disbelief. “He doesn’t mind,” so said the female sitting next to HIM. HE then muttered an inappropriate joke, insinuating that I could lean all I want, but if I tried any funny business he’d beat me with a shoe. How was I supposed to know that in this Lesbian-friendly atmosphere, a man (back to the crowd) with a pear-shaped body (no shoulders mind you) wearing an Aerpostale hoodie and stretchy, yet fitted, ball cap, was a he? See for yourself.

I was eating at my grandmother’s house last night when I bit my lower lip while chewing on a burger. Then, I bit it this morning during breakfast. I just bit it again about 10 minutes ago while eating salad. Why must you get in the way, fat lip? It’s as if my teeth subconsciously think you’re a piece a food. If people see you, they’ll think I have herpes. I now have to take a break from salt because it burns you. Fat lip, you’re an inconvenient fuck.

“And we’re testing it on the military, because they’re the perfect target,” Ron said to me. “That’s so cool,” I replied, “But they could use just a little more kick.” “It’s not too often I have such an interesting and open conversation with a customer at 7-11!” Ron said. “Wait a minute. This is kind of fucked up,” I said back. “Why?” asked Ron. “Because you work for Camel and we’re discussing your newest chewing tobacco, which is going to cause cancer in untold numbers of people.” “But the packaging is pretty cool, isn’t it?” Ron interjected. It sure is.

Years ago, buses were more crowded in NYC. My wife and I would often see an older man on the bus who was obviously suffering from mental illness. This was 50 years ago, mind you. This was a time when women were taken advantage of and people suffering from mental illness were seen as crazy rather than sick. This man would sit in a seat toward the back of the bus during rush hour. If a pretty woman sat next to him, he would defile himself in front of her & eventually leave his mark on the poor woman. Because the bus was overcrowded, she was trapped, trying to ignore this older gentleman while he masturbated onto to her. This story is as true as they come.

I was under the influence when this went down, so the amusement was ten fold. I was outside a Ralph’s grocery store and a little kid was unwrapping a lollipop. His mother was preoccupied on her cellphone. From the shadows, a man walked up and took the pop right out of the kid’s hand without breaking stride. The kid started to cry and his mother took notice and began screaming at the man. The man turned around with the lollipop in his mouth and said “Yeah? You gonna call the fuckin’ cops? The Great Candy Caper of 2010!” Like a child, the man throw the lolli back in the little kid’s direction and kept walking. Poor guy just wanted a lollipop.

I’ve been crushing on this girl. She’s gorgeous. 5’6”, petite, big blue eyes and the tightest body on the lower East side. But I’m an association-based person and I ruined it. I was using the bathroom when she left a voicemail. I decided to check it. “I’ve been thinking about you,” she said in the message, “and your body, your hair and your smell.” The bathroom smelt of shit at the time. It was so rank that I had a hard time breathing in without feeling nausea. There I am, pants down in the midst of a horrid & humiliating stench and this beautiful girl is referring to my ‘smell’. I haven’t called her back since. In my mind, I’ll always smell as I did in that bathroom and she’ll soon find out.

I bought a jelly donut just the other day. Too hungry to wait, I unwrapped it in the car and started chowing down. Inside the donut… baked into it…. was the thickest, darkest hair I’d ever seen. Skeeved out, I turned my car around and headed straight back to the coffee & donut shop. Without being nasty, I pleaded my case, holding the donut upright where the hair could be seen deeply rooted into the jelly as it was still growing. The employee looked at me, the donut, and back at me. She was the only one working. With deep consideration to the importance of her job, she looked at me unapologetically and asked, “So what?”

I live with a horny roommate who is constantly having sexual relations with his girlfriend Lindsay in front of me. I’m not sure why they do it, but they leave the door cracked open wide enough for me to see everything. I’m not a pervert and I’m not into watching so I avoid looking in. But last night, they were loud and I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked right up to the door. As I looked in, Lindsay was on top. And with impeccable timing, she farted just as I was about to say something. She turns, looks at me, and says “Excuse me.” “Ok,” I said as I sheepishly turned around and went back to my room. What else could I say?