As I walked briskly down a mostly empty street in Manhattan at midnight, I approached a homeless man laying on the sidewalk in front of a church. I maintained my hustled stride and greeted him with a genuine but hurried “hey buddy, how are you tonight?” His response made me smile. “Slow down” he said, “you already know how to dance.”
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All I Want For XXXMas
I’ve been obsessed with Nia Long (Ice Cube’s girl from the movie ‘Friday’) for the longest time now. If I there was one present you could give me for Christmas, it would be a night with Nia Long in a bathtub. A bathtub full of pasta. We would be dressed in caveman bathing suits with the lights dimmed low. We would have parrots hanging around on the tile floor making silly jokes while we burn incense. Then we’d gaze into each other’s eyes while sipping orange Capri Sun and eating slices of cold pepperoni pizza fresh out of the pizza box that was stored in the fridge from the night before. When things really get hot, we’d read each other’s palms and then play ‘first one to laugh while being tickled loses’ till we passed out. Oh… please Santa, drop Nia Long down my chimney.
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Sometimes briefs are better
I was exiting my local grocery store on Friday afternoon when I was approached by two small, adorable girl scouts selling cookies. “Buy a box?” they implored. “It’s for a good cause!” It dawned on me that not only could I not reach my wallet due to the heavy 30 pack of Coors Light in my arms, but I had also overdrawn my account to purchase said case. No thanks, little girls, I thought. For I have instead elected to spend my disposable income on liquid self-esteem, voluntary memory loss and a one-way ticket to hell. So I put my head down and rushed, wordlessly, to my car. And I’m not sorry. It was an awesome weekend.
I was editing a friend’s story where he compared some chick he hooked up with to a whiny little girl. Naturally, I wanted to include a video that showcased a little girl throwing a temper tantrum. So off to YouTube I went. “Kids throwing fits,” “Little girls screaming why,” and “Girl throws a nasty tantrum” were included in my search phrases. Then I stumbled upon something special. It was a video of the chubbiest child I’ve ever seen singing a song. If you watch closely, you’ll notice that he looks like a midget wearing a chubby kid suit… because there is no way a kid like this really exists. It just can’t be.
Comments
Dec 08 at 07:52 AM
If you get Nia Long, I’d like the homeless guy from Friday who caught Smokey shitting on the side of a house to come down my chimney
Dec 09 at 06:16 PM
Happy Holidays and cheers to that guy