Malfunction

I made a new friend and tonight was our first get-together. Since we were meeting for the first time, I expected myself to malfunction. Normally when I meet a new female (even on friendly terms such as tonight), I feel snot dangling from my nostrils. It’s never there, so I’ve chalked it off as a nervous mind trick. Tonight was different. As we sat at the bar, I began to drool. For no good reason, my mouth produced excessive saliva. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but I have to use the bathroom,” I said. In the bathroom, I put a paper towel in my mouth as if it were a sponge. After making my way back, I could barely focus on our conversation. I worried that the excessive drool could be a sign of infection and wondered if my breath was bad. Bad breath is usually a tell-tale sign of being sick, so I discreetly breath-checked. It smelt of dirty asshole and diapers. I couldn’t believe it. The smell was rotten like old food in a dumpster. Could I be that sick? I checked behind me. There he was: a heavyset, hygienically-impaired man eating steak and breathing heavily. I’m in the clear; it’s just a stinky person, not my breath. My new friend continued to talk through my eccentricities. Relieved, I reinstated eye contact, opened my mouth and slowly made my way down to the straw. I overshot the straw, which went directly up my nose, touching close to my sinuses. I reversed slowly like a school bus. Somehow she experienced none of this. Not my drool. Not the ass smell. Not even the disappearing straw. But now that she can read the truth, will she spend our next meet-up waiting for me to malfunction?